He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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