my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
