Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
