He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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