I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize