lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
