if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
