My Higher Power is John Stamos
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
