I'm gonna have a badass scar
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
