My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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