i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
