look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
