we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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