How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
