Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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