I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
