I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
