Whats the glycemic index on semen?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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