Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
