Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
