he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
