my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
