so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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