i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
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