Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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