The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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