dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
