You really coming over, don't trick.
if you like me you must not know who I am
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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