My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
