he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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