Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
it glows. i had to have it.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
