Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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