I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
