Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
