I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
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