I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
