he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
