Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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