ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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