I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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