new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Randomize
