So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
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