i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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