i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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