my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
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