do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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