The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
