Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
