I think my fart just growled at me.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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