i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
