How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
