Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
