im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
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