no, he came in my armpit
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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