I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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