did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
