How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
