you lied. pity sex is amazing.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
