It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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