omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize