"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize